As we all know, everyone is different and handles every situation
in their own way. I am no different. I have always been forth coming about mental
health and I will always do so. As you may have noticed, I have been gone for a
few weeks and that is because I had to get my mind right in order to even want
to write about anything. When I get in my own head, I don’t have the energy to
do anything extra because I am trying so hard to just make it through the
everyday shit I have to get done. Unfortunately, creative outlets are usually
the first thing to take a backseat when depression hits.
Being a housewife is hard, but it is very rewarding. I am
always available for my family. I get to be present for everything. I don’t
have to feel overwhelmed with thoughts of having to being “perfect” at two
places and being spread too thin with work and handling a lot at home. I get to
try to be the best mom and wife I can be. I love all of this, but it does come
with some drawbacks. I spend most of my day not speaking. I sometimes feel bad
for not working. I don’t get out of the house much unless it includes the gym,
the grocery store, or picking up kids. I have way too much time with my
thoughts. I sometimes feel secluded or excluded from the rest of the world. It’s
a mixed bag of puppies and hornets. A couple weeks ago I was jealous of my husband, just a
little bit, for having co-workers to talk to. He was telling me a really funny
story and for just a few minutes, all I could think is, “I wish I had people to
talk to during the day”. I felt guilty for feeling this way. Of course he has
co-workers to talk to! He’s the one that busts his ass everyday to provide for
our family. Yet in that moment, all I wanted was to have co-workers to have
funny stories with. Unfortunately, there are no other employees for a SAHM and
talking to myself doesn’t count as office chit chat.
Everyone says that motherhood is a gift and a miracle, and it
is 100%, but very few people are honest about the bad days. Very few people
take the sugarcoating off this sweet package and say, “not everyday is smiles and
rainbows and unicorn shit”. Sometimes, I feel like an asshole for acknowledging
the fact that everything isn’t how everyone talks about motherhood and being a
SAHM, but it’s real. That’s life though. There are amazing days mixed with days
that showering and making sure everyone stays alive is all that you can
mentally do. To any parent that feels this way and is too scared to speak this
truth, let me do it for you. Yes, I love my kids. Yes, I love my husband. Yes,
I chose to be a SAMH and it is what is best for our family and I love it. That
does not mean that I don’t have the right to express that some days are just
flat out shitty. There are some days that my kids work every last damn nerve I
have and selling them to the circus starts to sound like a decent idea. There
are days where my husband and I don’t see eye to eye, and we give each other
the silent treatment for a few hours. There must be bad days/situations, to
make you appreciate all of the good that outweighs it. There can’t be light without
the dark.
Having anxiety and depression mixed in with the regular ups
and downs of life can make things a little harder, but not impossible. Make
sure that you are taking care of yourself. I am still working on understanding
that if I am not taking care of myself, I am going to have a harder time taking
care of my family. There is a quote by Eleanor Brown that says, “Rest and self-care are so
important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve
others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” This is
extremely true. My husband is amazing and always knows when I have an empty
tank and am running on fumes. He makes it a point to make sure that I sometimes
rest and recharge so I can be 100% for, not only my family, but also myself.
There is another quote by the fabulous Jonathan Van Ness that says, “To me,
self-care isn’t really shallow. Showing up for yourself, putting on a little
moisturizer, can inspire so many different parts of your life.” This is truth
as well. I know that I have a great support system, but I also need to be able
to step up and show up for myself. Ask for help, communicate you needs, and
take time to better yourself. Whether that be talking to a loved one, talking
to a professional, or getting on medication while you talk to a professional.
Do what is best for you. Show up for yourself always.
Until next
time, know that you are not alone. And as always, stay peculiar.
