Empty Vessels and Unicorns

As we all know, everyone is different and handles every situation in their own way. I am no different. I have always been forth coming about mental health and I will always do so. As you may have noticed, I have been gone for a few weeks and that is because I had to get my mind right in order to even want to write about anything. When I get in my own head, I don’t have the energy to do anything extra because I am trying so hard to just make it through the everyday shit I have to get done. Unfortunately, creative outlets are usually the first thing to take a backseat when depression hits.

Being a housewife is hard, but it is very rewarding. I am always available for my family. I get to be present for everything. I don’t have to feel overwhelmed with thoughts of having to being “perfect” at two places and being spread too thin with work and handling a lot at home. I get to try to be the best mom and wife I can be. I love all of this, but it does come with some drawbacks. I spend most of my day not speaking. I sometimes feel bad for not working. I don’t get out of the house much unless it includes the gym, the grocery store, or picking up kids. I have way too much time with my thoughts. I sometimes feel secluded or excluded from the rest of the world. It’s a mixed bag of puppies and hornets. A couple weeks ago I was jealous of my husband, just a little bit, for having co-workers to talk to. He was telling me a really funny story and for just a few minutes, all I could think is, “I wish I had people to talk to during the day”. I felt guilty for feeling this way. Of course he has co-workers to talk to! He’s the one that busts his ass everyday to provide for our family. Yet in that moment, all I wanted was to have co-workers to have funny stories with. Unfortunately, there are no other employees for a SAHM and talking to myself doesn’t count as office chit chat.

Everyone says that motherhood is a gift and a miracle, and it is 100%, but very few people are honest about the bad days. Very few people take the sugarcoating off this sweet package and say, “not everyday is smiles and rainbows and unicorn shit”. Sometimes, I feel like an asshole for acknowledging the fact that everything isn’t how everyone talks about motherhood and being a SAHM, but it’s real. That’s life though. There are amazing days mixed with days that showering and making sure everyone stays alive is all that you can mentally do. To any parent that feels this way and is too scared to speak this truth, let me do it for you. Yes, I love my kids. Yes, I love my husband. Yes, I chose to be a SAMH and it is what is best for our family and I love it. That does not mean that I don’t have the right to express that some days are just flat out shitty. There are some days that my kids work every last damn nerve I have and selling them to the circus starts to sound like a decent idea. There are days where my husband and I don’t see eye to eye, and we give each other the silent treatment for a few hours. There must be bad days/situations, to make you appreciate all of the good that outweighs it. There can’t be light without the dark.

Having anxiety and depression mixed in with the regular ups and downs of life can make things a little harder, but not impossible. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. I am still working on understanding that if I am not taking care of myself, I am going to have a harder time taking care of my family. There is a quote by Eleanor Brown that says, “Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” This is extremely true. My husband is amazing and always knows when I have an empty tank and am running on fumes. He makes it a point to make sure that I sometimes rest and recharge so I can be 100% for, not only my family, but also myself. There is another quote by the fabulous Jonathan Van Ness that says, “To me, self-care isn’t really shallow. Showing up for yourself, putting on a little moisturizer, can inspire so many different parts of your life.” This is truth as well. I know that I have a great support system, but I also need to be able to step up and show up for myself. Ask for help, communicate you needs, and take time to better yourself. Whether that be talking to a loved one, talking to a professional, or getting on medication while you talk to a professional. Do what is best for you. Show up for yourself always.

Until next time, know that you are not alone. And as always, stay peculiar.