Empty Vessels and Unicorns

As we all know, everyone is different and handles every situation in their own way. I am no different. I have always been forth coming about mental health and I will always do so. As you may have noticed, I have been gone for a few weeks and that is because I had to get my mind right in order to even want to write about anything. When I get in my own head, I don’t have the energy to do anything extra because I am trying so hard to just make it through the everyday shit I have to get done. Unfortunately, creative outlets are usually the first thing to take a backseat when depression hits.

Being a housewife is hard, but it is very rewarding. I am always available for my family. I get to be present for everything. I don’t have to feel overwhelmed with thoughts of having to being “perfect” at two places and being spread too thin with work and handling a lot at home. I get to try to be the best mom and wife I can be. I love all of this, but it does come with some drawbacks. I spend most of my day not speaking. I sometimes feel bad for not working. I don’t get out of the house much unless it includes the gym, the grocery store, or picking up kids. I have way too much time with my thoughts. I sometimes feel secluded or excluded from the rest of the world. It’s a mixed bag of puppies and hornets. A couple weeks ago I was jealous of my husband, just a little bit, for having co-workers to talk to. He was telling me a really funny story and for just a few minutes, all I could think is, “I wish I had people to talk to during the day”. I felt guilty for feeling this way. Of course he has co-workers to talk to! He’s the one that busts his ass everyday to provide for our family. Yet in that moment, all I wanted was to have co-workers to have funny stories with. Unfortunately, there are no other employees for a SAHM and talking to myself doesn’t count as office chit chat.

Everyone says that motherhood is a gift and a miracle, and it is 100%, but very few people are honest about the bad days. Very few people take the sugarcoating off this sweet package and say, “not everyday is smiles and rainbows and unicorn shit”. Sometimes, I feel like an asshole for acknowledging the fact that everything isn’t how everyone talks about motherhood and being a SAHM, but it’s real. That’s life though. There are amazing days mixed with days that showering and making sure everyone stays alive is all that you can mentally do. To any parent that feels this way and is too scared to speak this truth, let me do it for you. Yes, I love my kids. Yes, I love my husband. Yes, I chose to be a SAMH and it is what is best for our family and I love it. That does not mean that I don’t have the right to express that some days are just flat out shitty. There are some days that my kids work every last damn nerve I have and selling them to the circus starts to sound like a decent idea. There are days where my husband and I don’t see eye to eye, and we give each other the silent treatment for a few hours. There must be bad days/situations, to make you appreciate all of the good that outweighs it. There can’t be light without the dark.

Having anxiety and depression mixed in with the regular ups and downs of life can make things a little harder, but not impossible. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. I am still working on understanding that if I am not taking care of myself, I am going to have a harder time taking care of my family. There is a quote by Eleanor Brown that says, “Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” This is extremely true. My husband is amazing and always knows when I have an empty tank and am running on fumes. He makes it a point to make sure that I sometimes rest and recharge so I can be 100% for, not only my family, but also myself. There is another quote by the fabulous Jonathan Van Ness that says, “To me, self-care isn’t really shallow. Showing up for yourself, putting on a little moisturizer, can inspire so many different parts of your life.” This is truth as well. I know that I have a great support system, but I also need to be able to step up and show up for myself. Ask for help, communicate you needs, and take time to better yourself. Whether that be talking to a loved one, talking to a professional, or getting on medication while you talk to a professional. Do what is best for you. Show up for yourself always.

Until next time, know that you are not alone. And as always, stay peculiar.

Instructions NOT Included

Before I became a mom, I believed that you become a completely different person after becoming a mom. I though that as soon as you had the title of “mom”, you were gifted with a new haircut and a minivan. I thought that you are a REAL adult and had no time for anything you liked before having kids. I sit here, haircut and minivan-less, as proof that I was severely wrong.

I became a mom before I ever gave birth to a child. I have 3 amazing bonus babies and they are my world. They are part of the reason I am the person I am today and I love them so much for helping save me. Since I did not give birth to all 4 of my children, I had to jump into mom mode from day one. There was no gestation period to try to prepare for the journey that was ahead of me. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who has been by my side every step of the way on this roller coaster. I struggled (let’s face it I still struggle) with who I had to be and how I had to act. They say there is no manual to raising a kid and this is 100% true. What they don’t tell you is that there’s no damn manual to being a parent either! THEY WANT US TO MAKE BABIES AND JUST WING THIS SHIT! I don’t know how all of us are still alive.

Like I said, I still struggle with who I am as a person. Yes, I cook, clean, chauffeur, and all of that other stuff, but for a long time I let it define who I was as a person. I still saddle myself with trying to be the “perfect mom”. After almost 8 years, I am still learning that a perfect mom doesn’t fucking exist. Anyone who says that they have 100% of all of their shit together is a damn liar. The biggest thing I have had to try to learn is to not compare myself to others. Especially anyone that is on social media because no one posts all the bullshit that happens on a daily basis. Being a parent is probably the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do, we can’t add more to our plates by having unrealistic expectations of perfection for ourselves. With that being said, just know that I am great at giving advice and not so great at listening to the shit I say.

Another part I struggle with is the fact that just because I am a mom, doesn’t mean that I’m not a grown ass woman who was a person before children. I put so much of myself into being a mom that, a few times, I forget to check in with myself. It took me a long time to find things I am interested in. I had no hobbies before. Let me correct this, I had no healthy hobbies before this. I had drinking and unnecessary online shopping habits. Now I workout, listen to podcasts, this blog and I have been working on the same puzzle for closer to a year than I would like to admit. I really need to finish that this year. Maybe. At the end of the day, you have to make sure that you are being the best human in order to be the best parent you can be. You are not less of a parent for having an occasional drink and jamming out to Shoop by Salt n Pepa. Please dance like everyone is watching and you just don’t give a damn.

I would love to say that one day it all clicks and everything falls in place when it comes to parenting and being a parent. I really would, but I’m not here to blow smoke up anyone’s ass. I am here to tell you the truth from my perspective with bits of levity. Of course, I am not a trained professional and I have not studied parenting or child development. I do know that there are plenty of books on how you can try to parent, but that’s too many books to read and it is all just someone else’s opinion anyway. I know that I’m probably not the shining example of what a parent should be. My kids watch lots of TV, they have used paper towels as plates more than once (ALL THE TIME), and during the summer they may or may not have showered everyday. All I know is that trying to be a whole person and always trying to better myself is the best way I know how to set a good example for our kids. Even if that means taking time for me when I really don’t want to and constantly checking in with myself.

Until next time, be the best you and stay peculiar.

School's In Session

It is that time of the year again. Make your lunch, pack your backpack and get ready to deal with the assholes in the drop off lane. It’s time for the kids to go back to school.

I want to start this by saying, I absolutely love my kids and I would do anything for them. I would also like to say that our kids are good kids overall and we have not had to deal with any major behavior issues, thus far, in life. With all this being said, YAY FOR SCHOOL TIME! I am in no way saying that I don’t like being around my kids or that I want to be away from my kids, but I have definitely had my fill of sibling squabbles and teen angst. One person can only take so much attitude and petty fights. While at school the kids are on their best behavior and this mom deserves some time to watch shows on Netflix that kids shouldn’t watch.

I know that I sound like a horrible mom, but I do have other reasons for wanting the kids to go back to school. First and foremost, I am extremely unqualified to homeschool my kids. I am not calling myself stupid or anything like that, I just know that I do not have the temperament to teach. I love seeing them grow academically and I love seeing them be proud of their own achievements, but I know that I’m not the one that can help them with that. That’s why there are magnificent educators that get paid (nowhere near enough) to do that. Speaking of educators, I have made many teacher friends at the little two’s school and I can’t wait to see them all again. Yes, I am THAT mom… don’t judge… you don’t know my life.

While there are a lot of positives for school starting again, there are some negatives. We have 4 kids at 3 schools. I don’t know if you know what’s it’s like to drop off and pick up at just 1 school, but I can wrap it up for you in one word. Clusterfuck. There are simple rules to follow and not many people follow them. Pick ups are the worst. I have to get to the first school half an hour before school lets out just to get a decent spot so I don’t have to sit in a line that’s half a mile long to get the little 2. Outside of the hellacious parking lot situation at the schools, our schedule becomes jam packed and extremely regimented. Time already seems like it is zooming by and the school routine makes everything go by so much faster.

At the end of the day, no matter what, I adore my kids. And while I may be excited for the new school year, I’m not necessarily poppin’ bottles because they are going back. The parenting life is full of bittersweet moments and is not for the faint of heart. Only the strong barely make it through.

Until next time, have a great school year and always stay peculiar.

To Work Or Not To Work...

Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life. Not only do us moms put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to be the “perfect” mom, we get a lot of societal pressure to be other people’s version of what they think the “perfect” mom is. If we choose to have a career after becoming a mom, we are neglecting our kids. If we choose to stay home with our kids, we aren’t contributing to our household and we are weak or lazy women. On behalf of all mom’s I would like to say, mind your own fucking business! As long as we are not causing harm to anyone, leave us alone. We’ve got this.

I recently saw a news segment that was saying that moms that have paying jobs outside the home are slower to see memory loss later in life. It said that married mothers who didn't work saw their memory decline 61% faster over a 10-year period than those with paid jobs and single mothers declined 83% faster if they didn't participate in the workforce. This simultaneously scared me and made me feel like a failure. Not only do I not work, I am possibly going to mentally decline faster just because my children do better because I stay home and the fact that childcare charges an arm, a leg, your first born and any other body part you can spare.

On the other side of this judgmental coin, you are a monster if you leave your kids in the care of someone else so you can pursue a career. You are, apparently, selfish and a bad mom if you work. I mean, yes, being a mom is one of the most awesome things ever and it is very rewarding, but just because you have a child doesn’t mean you stop being a human being. Sometimes, the mom has no other choice but to work. Whether or not the mom is married/in a relationship or single, sometimes people have to fucking work! I don’t know if you guys know this, but shit cost money and kids aren’t cheap.

At the end of the day, as long as your kids are loved and taken care of, it is no one’s damn business if you work or not. If you have the ability to stay home with your kids, FANTASTIC! If you choose to work or have to work, AMAZING! You do whatever the fuck you need to do for you and your family. As with most things in life, as long you are not causing harm, don’t let anyone make you feel like a shit mom for whatever choice you make. Being a parent is difficult. Let’s not add to it by being judgmental assholes to each for something like this. There are far worse things in the world.

Until next time, work or don’t work, but always stay peculiar.

She's Back!

2 years, 7 months, 16 days.

That’s how long I have been gone from blogging, but I’m back! Since I’ve been away a lot has happened, but not a whole lot has “changed”. Now, all 4 kids are in school full-time. 2 in elementary, 1 in middle school, and (help us) 1 in high school. My husband is at a new job that he loves. I had 2 jobs in that time and am back to being a full-time stay at home mom. So, like I said, a lot has happened, but at the end of the day I have 4 great kids, an amazing husband and a wonderful life.

Life can be crazy and unpredictable. We have to take what life gives us and make the best out of it. Unfortunately, this roller coaster ride of life doesn’t come with instructions. Hell, it doesn’t even come with a fucking seat belt. It’s a learning experience. We must always be learning, growing and adapting. We need to know when to keep pushing and when to take a step back to reevaluate things, and that’s what I had to do. I had to get my mind right (which I will always be working on) and try to focus on not losing my goddamn marbles. As you all know, I am a huge advocate for mental health and that and my family will always take priority. With that being said, after that much time away, I am ready to get back to writing and trying to make you guys laugh.

I am no comedian, by any means, but making people laugh has always made me happy and it helps my mental state as well. My goal is to shed light into our crazy life, share some knowledge, have some laughs and let you know that you aren’t alone in not being normal. Because, let’s be real, I am awkward as fuck. So, buckle up, because shit is about to get weird… again!

Thank you for taking the time to read my nonsense. I truly appreciate it.

Stay peculiar, my friends.

Tis the Season to be... Something.

I was going to go on this rant that was going to make me sound like a mix of the Grinch and Scrooge that have gone off their depression meds and went on a 3 month binge of booze and self deprecation. All of it is stuff I have no control over, but it still sucks to be a parent of 4 great kids and have a kick ass husband and not be able to to get them much. Or nothing at all in the case of my husband. It sucks to want to buy the world for the ones you love and are really unable to do so, but I digress. I was in tears with what I had originally typed out. On the verge of sobs. Seriously depressing shit. I was really going to kill the holiday spirit in one post. Then I went to the girls school for their holiday parties. It didn’t make me completely forget about the fact that I feel horrible about this holiday season, but it really did make me feel better.

First party I went to was for Noey’s Kindergarten class. That was the most well behaved group of 6 year olds I have seen in one place. Lots of “please” and “thank you” and that made me very happy. I also found out that Noey got an award this morning for being a Star Student for this 9 week period! I am so proud of her! They only give each class 30 minutes for their parties, so I didn’t get to do a whole lot there and just like that, it was time for Logan and I to go to Kaylee’s party.

Now, I just got done bragging about a Kindergarten class. I am now in a 5th grade class. For the most part the kids are acting alright, but some of the kids that Kaylee sits next to are a bunch of… let’s just some not so nice kids. Assholes… they were assholes. And that’s putting it nicely. Before I got to the party, the girl sitting next to Kaylee asked her, “ What would happen if you got all this food for your family and they didn’t show up?”. Then after I showed up this kid started talking shit about Kaylee’s diabetes… I wanted to hit an 11 year old. I was pissed. Livid. After my anger subsided, I realized something spectacular. WE ARE NOT RAISING ASSHOLES!!!

In this life, there is lots of shit to go around and it is not divided equally, at all. In this life I am going to have bad days and I may die penniless, but regardless of what the future holds for our family, it is comforting to know that we are raising children that are awesome. That will be great members of society and won’t make fun of people for their disabilities. We are not raising assholes and that is, hands down, the BEST gift any parent could ask for.

During this holiday season and all year long, let your loved ones know you love and appreciate them, and as always, stay peculiar.

This is Going to be a Wild Ride

I know I am going to get a lot of shit for most of what I’m about to say. I don’t care. I know I like to keep things on the light side and I am going to try to keep it that way, but I am not going to make any promises. I am also going to start this by saying that I am not a registered voter; never have been and it is possible that I never will be. Now, I know that people are going to say many things about this fact. I am ready for the backlash.

I turned 18 in 2004 and I could have registered. I did not. This was the year of Bush vs. Kerry. I admit, I really didn’t follow the election that year, but what I did catch made me realize that I do not agree with the way our government is ran. So, 4 years later when it was Obama vs. McCain, I decided I was not going to vote again because I, again, did not believe that the candidates were suitable. 2012 rolls around and it’s Obama vs. Romney… you see where this is going, right? Now it’s time for the 2016 election. Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump. Now, if you haven’t lived under a rock this year, I’m going to assume you saw the circus. And just so you aren’t losing sleep wondering, no I did not vote.

Even though people are going to say that since I don’t vote, I shouldn’t voice my opinion, I am going to anyway. I would vote if I truly believed that it would make a difference. Honestly, I think that this bipartisan system is severely flawed. I think that the fact that we constantly have 2 awful choices that we HAVE to choose between, is an insult to the voters. I think we, as a nation, should not have to pick the lesser of 2 evils. I think the whole system needs an overhaul. Alas, I am not queen of the universe and cannot change things to the way I want them. Just know that I would be talking shit no matter who was elected because, again, I did not like either candidate. Now of course, I have way more things I would like to say about Trump because, well, it’s just too easy. Like, how is a WWE Hall of Famer, reality tv star now our future president?! Do you guys realize that the movie Idiocracy is becoming a real thing? Please tell me that you see this.

Now, as a whole, I do not judge based on sex, race, religion, political party, or anything like that. Of course there are individuals that make me facepalm, but I don’t generalize. With that being said, I have seen a lot of awful things from A LOT of people that are scaring the shit out of me. A person I know, who is Hispanic and was born in America, was told by an angry customer at his job, that Trump is going to ship him back to Mexico. To his face. At his job. Now, I know that everyone that voted for Trump isn’t a bigoted, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynist, but I have a feeling that the people that ARE those things did vote for him. As a woman of mixed race, who is married to someone of mixed race, with kids that are all mixed, these kind of people scare me. The fact that my 12 year old is scared that he is going to get deported, even though he is an American citizen, is a huge problem. The fact that he is scared that people are going to harass him now because of who the president is going to be, is also a huge problem. I know that Trump used fear as his platform, but people are taking this to a whole new level.

This is where we, as a nation, no matter who you voted for, need to ban together and start treating each other like human fucking beings. We should not segregate ourselves. We should not hate each other for being born the way we are. Hate is not inherent, it is taught. Let’s start teaching that it is okay to be different and to respect those differences. Teach that you aren’t going to agree with everyone, but that’s how it is supposed to be. That’s what makes this country great. The fact that we have the ability to be different. At the risk of sounding like a hippie, teach love, not hate. The saying “united we stand, divided we fall” is fucking true! You can see us crumbling at a sickening rate. **Please note that racism, sexism, etc. is NOT a difference to be respected. It is learned hate. Please learn the difference.

One hope that I am trying to hold onto is that it was all a ploy on Trump’s part to get votes. Maybe, the next 4 years won’t be a nightmare that we can’t wake up from. Because if it is not, I don’t how I’m going to explain to my daughters that the president has no respect for them and to all of my kids that the president doesn’t like us because we aren’t all white. I’m really hoping that he surprises the shit out of all of us and does a decent job.

Maybe I should become more politically involved. Start standing up for what I believe in, politically. I’m not holding my breath for this and neither should you. Just a random thought in my ramblings.

I am saddened by the way people have acted since the election results (from both democrats and republicans) and it has been sitting heavy on my heart. I really don’t know how to fully put into words exactly how I feel about the hatred that is spewing from all over this country. So, instead of dragging this out any further trying to piece my feelings together, I shall leave you with this.

-“The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.”

― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

Please stay strong America, and as always, please stay peculiar.