Tis the Season to be... Something.

I was going to go on this rant that was going to make me sound like a mix of the Grinch and Scrooge that have gone off their depression meds and went on a 3 month binge of booze and self deprecation. All of it is stuff I have no control over, but it still sucks to be a parent of 4 great kids and have a kick ass husband and not be able to to get them much. Or nothing at all in the case of my husband. It sucks to want to buy the world for the ones you love and are really unable to do so, but I digress. I was in tears with what I had originally typed out. On the verge of sobs. Seriously depressing shit. I was really going to kill the holiday spirit in one post. Then I went to the girls school for their holiday parties. It didn’t make me completely forget about the fact that I feel horrible about this holiday season, but it really did make me feel better.

First party I went to was for Noey’s Kindergarten class. That was the most well behaved group of 6 year olds I have seen in one place. Lots of “please” and “thank you” and that made me very happy. I also found out that Noey got an award this morning for being a Star Student for this 9 week period! I am so proud of her! They only give each class 30 minutes for their parties, so I didn’t get to do a whole lot there and just like that, it was time for Logan and I to go to Kaylee’s party.

Now, I just got done bragging about a Kindergarten class. I am now in a 5th grade class. For the most part the kids are acting alright, but some of the kids that Kaylee sits next to are a bunch of… let’s just some not so nice kids. Assholes… they were assholes. And that’s putting it nicely. Before I got to the party, the girl sitting next to Kaylee asked her, “ What would happen if you got all this food for your family and they didn’t show up?”. Then after I showed up this kid started talking shit about Kaylee’s diabetes… I wanted to hit an 11 year old. I was pissed. Livid. After my anger subsided, I realized something spectacular. WE ARE NOT RAISING ASSHOLES!!!

In this life, there is lots of shit to go around and it is not divided equally, at all. In this life I am going to have bad days and I may die penniless, but regardless of what the future holds for our family, it is comforting to know that we are raising children that are awesome. That will be great members of society and won’t make fun of people for their disabilities. We are not raising assholes and that is, hands down, the BEST gift any parent could ask for.

During this holiday season and all year long, let your loved ones know you love and appreciate them, and as always, stay peculiar.

This is Going to be a Wild Ride

I know I am going to get a lot of shit for most of what I’m about to say. I don’t care. I know I like to keep things on the light side and I am going to try to keep it that way, but I am not going to make any promises. I am also going to start this by saying that I am not a registered voter; never have been and it is possible that I never will be. Now, I know that people are going to say many things about this fact. I am ready for the backlash.

I turned 18 in 2004 and I could have registered. I did not. This was the year of Bush vs. Kerry. I admit, I really didn’t follow the election that year, but what I did catch made me realize that I do not agree with the way our government is ran. So, 4 years later when it was Obama vs. McCain, I decided I was not going to vote again because I, again, did not believe that the candidates were suitable. 2012 rolls around and it’s Obama vs. Romney… you see where this is going, right? Now it’s time for the 2016 election. Hillary Clinton vs. Donald Trump. Now, if you haven’t lived under a rock this year, I’m going to assume you saw the circus. And just so you aren’t losing sleep wondering, no I did not vote.

Even though people are going to say that since I don’t vote, I shouldn’t voice my opinion, I am going to anyway. I would vote if I truly believed that it would make a difference. Honestly, I think that this bipartisan system is severely flawed. I think that the fact that we constantly have 2 awful choices that we HAVE to choose between, is an insult to the voters. I think we, as a nation, should not have to pick the lesser of 2 evils. I think the whole system needs an overhaul. Alas, I am not queen of the universe and cannot change things to the way I want them. Just know that I would be talking shit no matter who was elected because, again, I did not like either candidate. Now of course, I have way more things I would like to say about Trump because, well, it’s just too easy. Like, how is a WWE Hall of Famer, reality tv star now our future president?! Do you guys realize that the movie Idiocracy is becoming a real thing? Please tell me that you see this.

Now, as a whole, I do not judge based on sex, race, religion, political party, or anything like that. Of course there are individuals that make me facepalm, but I don’t generalize. With that being said, I have seen a lot of awful things from A LOT of people that are scaring the shit out of me. A person I know, who is Hispanic and was born in America, was told by an angry customer at his job, that Trump is going to ship him back to Mexico. To his face. At his job. Now, I know that everyone that voted for Trump isn’t a bigoted, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynist, but I have a feeling that the people that ARE those things did vote for him. As a woman of mixed race, who is married to someone of mixed race, with kids that are all mixed, these kind of people scare me. The fact that my 12 year old is scared that he is going to get deported, even though he is an American citizen, is a huge problem. The fact that he is scared that people are going to harass him now because of who the president is going to be, is also a huge problem. I know that Trump used fear as his platform, but people are taking this to a whole new level.

This is where we, as a nation, no matter who you voted for, need to ban together and start treating each other like human fucking beings. We should not segregate ourselves. We should not hate each other for being born the way we are. Hate is not inherent, it is taught. Let’s start teaching that it is okay to be different and to respect those differences. Teach that you aren’t going to agree with everyone, but that’s how it is supposed to be. That’s what makes this country great. The fact that we have the ability to be different. At the risk of sounding like a hippie, teach love, not hate. The saying “united we stand, divided we fall” is fucking true! You can see us crumbling at a sickening rate. **Please note that racism, sexism, etc. is NOT a difference to be respected. It is learned hate. Please learn the difference.

One hope that I am trying to hold onto is that it was all a ploy on Trump’s part to get votes. Maybe, the next 4 years won’t be a nightmare that we can’t wake up from. Because if it is not, I don’t how I’m going to explain to my daughters that the president has no respect for them and to all of my kids that the president doesn’t like us because we aren’t all white. I’m really hoping that he surprises the shit out of all of us and does a decent job.

Maybe I should become more politically involved. Start standing up for what I believe in, politically. I’m not holding my breath for this and neither should you. Just a random thought in my ramblings.

I am saddened by the way people have acted since the election results (from both democrats and republicans) and it has been sitting heavy on my heart. I really don’t know how to fully put into words exactly how I feel about the hatred that is spewing from all over this country. So, instead of dragging this out any further trying to piece my feelings together, I shall leave you with this.

-“The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.”

― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

Please stay strong America, and as always, please stay peculiar.

Respect?

Remember when we were younger and we had to say please and thank you? Yes ma’am? No sir? I remember and it really needs to make a comeback. We are raising our kids in kind of an old school way. They don’t have cell phones yet. They have chores and can’t do fun things until they are done. There are no “yeahs” or “huhs” used when answering elders. They know phone etiquette. I know you’re thinking, “Neisha that doesn’t sound ‘old school’ at all!” Sadly, a lot of kids are not being taught these simple manners. Or maybe they are and they just don’t give a shit and these things are not being reinforced. I don’t know; not my circus, not my monkeys.

Now, I am not saying that our kids don’t “forget” how to act sometimes, but for the vast majority of the time, they are awesome. The same cannot be said for some of the children they go to school with. I have been to several school functions and I have seen first hand that some of these kids (more than I would like to admit) have lost every bit of their damn minds! The way they speak to each other and especially the way they talk to the teachers… it’s sad.

**SIDE NOTE** I will forever say that teachers are NOT compensated enough and are severely underappreciated.

I really don’t know how things have just gone to shit so quickly. My mother would have knocked me into next month if I acted remotely like some kids do now. Obviously, I don’t know every child’s home/life situation and I know that can play a factor in a kid’s behavior, but that cannot be the case for every single one of them.

Outside of the general rudeness, one of the thing that bothers me the most is the lack of phone etiquette. In the age of cell phones, a lot of younger people have no idea how to ask for someone on a phone that doesn’t belong to the person they are trying to reach. Do you remember how terrifying it was to call a friend, or ever worse a person you liked, and having to talk to their parents? You had to be SUPER polite or the parent you were speaking to would basically tell you to fuck off, hang up on you and not even think twice about it. I almost did this the other day. One of Kaylee’s friends called and we usually let her answer it when we see that number, but I just happened to answer it this time. Of course, I answer the phone like a civilized person with a polite “Hello?”. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Absolutely nothing. Instead of a nice little ten-year-old asking to speak with Kaylee, I got a voice in my ear saying “Where’s Kaylee?”. No hi/hello/kiss my ass. Nothing. No acknowledgement whatsoever of the person who pays the damn phone bill. So, with as much calm as I could muster, I say “excuse me?” and then she proceeds to yell in my ear “WHERE’S KAYLEE?!”. It was so loud that Robert and Chris both heard it on the other side of the living room and Chris then proceeded to hide under his blanket because he knew that I was pissed. I then say to the girl that next time she calls, she needs to ask to speak with someone instead of just asking where they are. All I got was silence. I have never wanted to crawl through a phone and pop a kid in the mouth so bad in my whole 30 years of life. I handed to phone to Kaylee and Robert and I both said that she needs to say something about it to her friend and like a good child, she did. Her friend could not wrap her brain around the fact that we all thought it was rude. I later told Kaylee that if that ever happens again, I will tell her friend that she is no longer allowed to call this house again. I mean that 100%.

Sometimes, I feel bad at the thought that our kids will be vastly different than everyone in their generation. Then I remember that fitting in with everyone else sucks and I am extremely happy that they won’t be like everyone else.

Until next time, say please and thank you, and as always stay peculiar.

I'm not listening

As adults and as parents, there are things that we do that are flat out lies. There’s no way around it. Telling your boss that their new haircut looks great *cringe*. Telling your child that Santa/ the Tooth Fairy/ the Easter Bunny are real *gasp*. Telling someone you care about that their meal tastes great when it tastes like burned gross *gag*. Unfortunately, I think it might be a necessary evil in this life.

This also goes for giving our kids advice that we, ourselves, do not follow. We tell them all kinds of things that we should probably do in our day to day lives. We tell them not to stress about what they cannot control, yet we live in a constant state of panic, or at least I do. Wait, you guys panic a lot too, right? I’m not the only one, right? Dammit, now I’m starting to feel self conscious… moving on…

We tell them to be nice to people and that if they have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all. Then, they get in the car with us and listen to the heinous shit I say about some people. I try, but some people insist on planting their heads firmly up their asses before getting behind the wheel. They are basically asking for me to talk bad about them. You know the kind of people I’m talking about.

Most importantly, we tell them to not change themselves. To not change so the people will like you. To not change just because you think you are going to piss someone off. We are constantly telling our kids that if they are true to themselves, that the right people will like them for who they truly are. Yet, we act differently around certain people. I’m not saying that -everyone- does this, I’m just saying that the vast majority of adults do. I was recently afraid to send a friend request on social media because I was scared of what new people would think since I’m an atheist, I cuss (a lot), and I think a lot of offensive things are funny. Again, I am not part of the “norms” of society. Never have been. I have tried… doesn’t work for me. I guess I didn’t want another person to judge who I am. But, they can either respect who I am as a person or they could always delete me if they don’t like me, right? Right.

**SIDENOTE** Of course I put my big girl panties on and hit send.

Do we do this because we are adults and think we shouldn’t have to follow the advice that we seem to give everyone else? I’m not saying that this is some sort of epiphany and that this is a turning point in which I start taking my own advice. That’s not going to happen. At the end of the day, it is true though. We do just need to be ourselves, no matter what.

Until next time, for the love of everything tasty, stay peculiar please.

Cussers Anonymous

Hello, my name is Neisha and I cuss.

Yes, that’s right ladies and gentlemen. For the most part, I have an extensive vocabulary, but I also cuss extensively and I make no apologies. I know that some people might already look down on me as a person and a parent because I have tattoos and piercings, and frankly I couldn’t give less of a shit, but when it comes to cussing in front of my kids is where some people really get their panties in a bunch.

As I have said before, we have 4 kids ages 3-12, and we have always cussed in front of them. I wouldn’t change that if given a second chance and for several reasons.

1. I’m a grown ass woman and I may use my words in any way I see fit, in front of whoever the hell I want. I am 30 years old. I pay bills, clean house, and cook dinner. I make sure people stay alive! So, if I have the vocabulary of a well educated sailor, then so fucking be it.

2. I would rather my kids hear it from us first and not from their stupid friends. Now, I’m not necessarily talking about these kid’s intellect. I am only saying that they are the same age as my kids and know about the same amount of stuff as them and have experienced the same amount of life as them. Therefore, they do not know how to properly cuss and I WILL NOT have kids that don’t know how to properly cuss.

3. My kids are smart enough not to cuss. Well, at least not in front of us. Even our 3 year old gets the fact that there are words that grown-ups use that kids aren’t suppose to. Of course all kids have a time when they are little when they repeat a cuss word and it’s adorable. If you don’t think so, then there is something wrong with you! Of course now when Logan hears me say “dammit” or “oh shit” he knows not to repeat it and just asks, “what mommy?” It’s all about teaching your kids that they don’t pay taxes and therefore can’t say all of the words that taxpayers can.

And finally...

4. Sometimes, you just need to cuss. Saying “OH SHUCKS” when you stub your toe on the corner of a piece of furniture doesn’t cut it! It just doesn’t. Even if it is towards your kids, cussing is important. Now, of course everything you say to your kids doesn’t need to be riddled with cuss words, but throwing one their way every so often is totally okay. Sometimes, it shows them that you are serious as a heart attack. Expressing your frustration towards your kids, that have done something they know for damn sure they aren’t supposed to be doing, with big words they don’t understand, doesn’t make that much of an impact. Now, throwing out a “what the hell were you thinking” or a “dammit (insert kid’s name)” has a much bigger impact. You have now used a word that they know you use when you mean business.

Now, we are not saying a bunch of things that are ”adult content” (wink wink) in front of the kids, I’m just saying that the run of the mill cuss words aren’t that big of a deal. Of course, I am not an expert of any kind and my way of parenting and living life in general is NOT the norm and is probably frowned upon by the masses. I don’t care though. All I can do in this life is be true to myself and what I believe in and try not to screw things up too bad. That’s all any of us can do, really.

Until next time, let loose and cuss a little and as always, stay peculiar.

Potty Training Wheels

If you are reading this, you probably know how to go to the bathroom all by yourself. Whoever raised you, took the time to teach you how to wipe your own ass. Whoever that person is, thank them. Logan is teaching me that potty training is a very thankless task.

This is now my second child to help potty train and I do not remember the first time around being this difficult. Noey started much earlier and was a lot easier to potty train. Logan on the other hand is… let’s just say, difficult. Some days I really do think that I will have to clean him up forever. Or at least until he finds someone else to do it for him.

The majority of the time, he does rather well and we have good potty days. Those days that are not good potty days, though, are the kind of days that drinking like you were at a frat party wouldn’t even come close to cutting it. The days where you’ve had to do 3 loads of only 2 or 3 pieces of clothing because he is refusing to poop in the toilet, so you end up with multiple pairs of underwear with a little bit of poop in them. That is, until the inevitable time where he lets it all go at once and you have to clean up poop that is the size of a grown man’s fist.

**SIDENOTE** If you don’t have kids and this grosses you out, don’t have kids because THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU and you are not ready.

Just like in everything else with raising kids (and life in general), everyone is different. This is especially true when it comes to potty training. Some kids enjoy getting stickers on a chart or a treat for motivation. I have had to resort to flat out bribery. Do not judge me, you don’t know my life. Cookies at the end of the end of the day was the first bribe. That was good for a few weeks. Granted Logan loves him some cookies, but that wouldn’t fly now. Since he pees in the potty pretty well now, we have to work on getting him to poop there too. Apparently, poop costs more. Toy cars to be exact and I am proud to report that he did manage to get one toy car this week. I never knew I would be so happy for poop in a toilet. Oh the joys of parenthood.

I am constantly saying that I don’t want Logan to get bigger, all of the kids for that matter, but I want him to at least be potty trained before I find a way to make them all stop growing and stay the same age forever. I honestly don’t want to clean up bodily functions for much longer! If I had to do it forever, I would have to buy stock in Yellow Tail wine and all of my hair would be grey with in a year.

Like I said before, if you don’t have kids this is what you have to look forward to. If you do have kids and you have dealt with or are dealing with this now, stay strong my fellow warriors.

Until next time, avoid bathroom accidents and stay peculiar.

Anti-Social Mom

In my small circle of people I enjoy being around, I am a very talkative person. I think I am funny(ish) and very easy to get along with. I occasionally visit the girl’s school and talk to the teachers I know and I always chat with nice cashiers at the grocery store. When it comes to the vast majority of other people… I have some issues.

I have no delusions that I, or anyone for that matter, deserve special dispensation. My time is not more important than anyone else’s and I am not special. I know this sounds like I’m getting down on myself, but it is 100% true. Honestly, I think a lot more people need to start thinking a little more like this. I think it would help people remove their heads out of their asses and not be a bunch of rude pricks. You know the people I’m talking about. The people that won’t let people in while sitting in traffic. The people who don’t say thank you when you hold a door open for them. And the absolute worse, the people who wait until the last minute to cut over three lanes of traffic to exit the highway. All of the people that make you want to punch puppies in the face.

I would like to think that the parents of the students at the school the girl’s go to would understand that if we work together that things would go a lot smoother, but alas,  some of them are assholes too. I don’t have to deal with other parents a whole lot, but twice this week I saw just how inconsiderate some of them can be and they were both on the same day!

Let’s start with “awesome” person number one.

I was picking the girls up from school on Tuesday and it is always mayhem. I personally get to the school an hour early so I can get a good spot in line. Now, the girls have gotten out out of school and are in the car. We are heading home and we have to drive through the neighborhood the school is in. Then we encounter her. The woman who is blocking traffic because she is waiting for her kid to walk to her so SHE doesn’t have to sit in the school traffic and is, in turn, creating more traffic that is preventing the school bus in front of me to turn! The bus driver gets out and talks to her and of course she says that she’s not moving because of course she is more important than everyone else. Finally, I get tired of her being a twat. So, with every ounce of calm that I could muster up, I rolled down my window and explained to her that she is solely responsible for the clusterfuck we are sitting in. Of course, I did not cuss or raise my voice at her. Mainly because three out of four of my kids were in the car. She finally removed her head from her anus and moved up, I started telling the cars that were behind her to go around her and we finally made it home.

Time for “awesome” person number two.

Later that evening we had an open house at the girl’s school. The way that they had it set up was in a rotation style. You pick a block of time that you could show up to and you show up. Since we had two classes to go to, we picked the first two blocks of time. The school had asked that if you showed up late, to please be considerate and please wait until the next block of time. Of course, some people cannot follow directions. We are about half way through Noey’s block of time and this mom waltzes in and the teacher asks her to please wait until the next block of time. The mom then says that her daughters have cheerleading practice at 6 and they can’t wait, so the teacher reluctantly let’s them in and tells them that she will fill them in on what they missed after she is done. I think this was more than reasonable. The mom and her daughters come in and stand in the corner by the door and whisper amongst themselves. They stay for about 5 minutes and then just walk out of the class. Robert and I just look at each other with the look of “this bitch here” . The school sent papers home on how this was going to work. Either she didn’t care enough to read the paper or she didn’t care about what the paper said. Both are shitty.

At the end of the day we are all on the same planet, having to deal with our own lives. Just remember that things would go a lot smoother if we realized that we are not special and our time is not more important than anyone else’s.

Just don’t be a dick and stay peculiar.

Sleep(less)

It’s been a long day of whatever you fill your day with and it is now for that magical time to lay your head down on a pillow and drift away into dreamland.

UNLESS YOU ARE ME!

Okay, so I may not be the only one that has issues sleeping, but these are my ramblings and therefore I get to use “me”.

For the vast majority of my life, I have had issues with falling asleep. Becoming a parent has not helped that issue one bit. On top of being a parent, I am the “proud” owner of an extremely neurotic brain and plenty of anxiety to go around. Needless to say, sleep is a bit harder to come by for me. Most of the time it’s not too bad, but when it’s bad, it’s horrible.

Take the other night, for instance. We put the kids to sleep a couple hours before we go to sleep and last night was no different. What was different though, was a change in Kaylee’s insulin. Since she was diagnosed a little over a year, we have never had to make a change to the amount of the insulin she takes in her last shot of the day. When you change nighttime doses you have to test blood in the middle of the night, just to make sure the person’s blood glucose level isn’t going too low while they sleep. Now take the brain I told you about and add change. Not good.

Like I said, it’s not always like that. Most of the time it is just a small nuisance.

Thanks to my best friend, I recently became the owner of a Fitbit. This little device is helpful and can be fun with the challenges you can participate in. It also tracks your sleep. When she told me about this feature, I was dreading seeing what my sleep patterns looked like. I had a pretty good idea of what they were going to look like. I look at it every morning and, sure as shit, it looks about what I imagine. Let me put it this way. Since August 4th, I have only gotten 8 hours of sleep one time! Like I said, sleep is hard to come by for the adults in this house.

Getting a good night’s sleep for Robert and I is like nailing Jell-o to a damn tree. People ask, “how are you feeling today?” and my answer is inevitably “tired, but good.” I think I may have to stop saying tired and just accept the fact that is just a part of my being now.

-Brown hair

-Brown eyes

-Tired

-5’4 (and some change)

-An amount of pounds that is none of your damn business

This is going to be me for at least the next 15 years, but I know that it will be much longer than that.

Of course there are products that I could buy to help me get better sleep, but they really aren’t for me. For one, they cost money that I don’t want to spend. Second, I have felt groggy in the morning any time that I have tried a sleep aid. Lastly, I really don’t want to become dependant on something that changes stuff in my body. My reasons for this are way too long for here and I would usually have to pay someone a lot of money per hour to listen to it all.

One final thing about sleep. They should have nap time at people’s jobs. I know I don’t have an actual job that I have to go to and I rarely nap, but this would be awesome for everyone!

Until next time, stay peculiar.

Back to School

It is that time of the year again. Back to school. The time to deal with crowded stores and rude people all for the sake of buying stuff that is going to be worn out, grown out of or used up before the first semester ends. It’s like shopping for the holidays.

Now, I know and am friends with a lot of teachers and I know that teachers have zero control over my issues, but what is up with these supply lists?! I understand that teachers DO NOT get paid enough for the job they do and their budgets are constantly cut because why the hell would teachers need the proper supplies needed to do their job, right? With all of this being said, some one needs to fix something because for ONE of my kids, I had to buy FOUR boxes crayons. This may be to help out students whose parent(s) cannot afford all of the supplies and I sound like a complete asshole. I know things are expensive. We buy supplies for three kids and next year will be four. Excuse me while I cry, vomit, and have a panic attack at that thought. One more thing about school supplies. What is the point of 12x18 manila and construction paper and why the fuck is it so hard to find?! Moving on…

So as I said, it is time to send our little (and not so little) ones and to school and it’s time for all of the parents to POP BOTTLES… of whatever pain reliever you choose and acid reducers. If you are anything like me, you want your kids to learn, be involved, and be successful in their school career. However, I suffer from anxiety and I don’t like to be around a lot of people. So, it is always a “fun time” during the school year. Also, I hate helping the kids with their homework. Not because I do not want to help my kids, because of course I want to help, but because some of their homework makes me feel extremely stupid! Especially Chris’ homework. He is going into the seventh grade and his sixth grade math homework made me want to cry. It was stuff I wasn’t doing until eighth grade or so. Needless to say, Google and I have become very good friends and there is a reason I don’t homeschool. And it is only going to get worse. I haven’t been in school full time since 2004 (man that’s a kick in the chest) and it seems like everything has changed when it comes to curriculum. It’s a conspiracy to make the older generations feel incompetent .

Actually, aside from my anxiety, I am excited for the new school year. Like I said before, I want the kids to learn as much as they can and have fun while learning. On top of all of the new stuff to learn, Chris will be joining band this year and I am super stoked about that. As a former band nerd, I want all of the kids to be in band, but I will settle for at least one. Also, I have become one of -those- mom’s… the mom that is friends with a lot of the teachers and the nurse. So, while the kids are excited to see their friends that they haven’t seen all summer, I am also excited to go back to the school to see all of my friends that I haven’t seen all summer! Don’t worry, my non-school employed friends have already called me a nerd for it. I don’t care though, I will continue to make teacher friends at every school the kids go to so they know that I will have eyes everywhere. Yeah, I’m that kind of mom too.

So, best of luck to everyone in this new school year. May we all make it out alive, and to the people with no kids, sorry about the school zones. We all hate them.

Jokes aside, if you can read this thank a teacher, and as always, stay peculiar.

Attitude

I understand, for the most part, how genetics work. People have 46 chromosomes, 23 from the mother and 23 from the father. You get traits from both biological parents. Scientists are always finding new things while mapping the human genome. With this being said, I need someone smarter than me to tell me which chromosome is to blame for shitty attitudes.

*glares at the human genome*

I know that, as a parent, it is half my fault, but DAMMIT ALL!!! Granted, I cannot take “credit” for all four of my kids, but I do know all of the responsible parties.

*glares at all responsible parties - self included*

The funny thing is that even though I play zero part of the genetics of my bonus kids, they all act like me just a little bit. So, I should absorb most of that glaring.

With two pre-teens and three year old, we get PLENTY of attempted usage of attitude. Our five year old tries the least, but I know that will eventually change. I want to go on record by saying that puberty can kiss my ass. I didn’t like it when I went through it and I damn sure don’t like it now that I have kids that are going/will go through it! Now, the vast majority of the time, I would say 95%, we have some of the most well behaved kids around. As for that 5%... oh that 5%, you want to buy stock in duct tape and Benadryl. Not that we would actually use it… right guys? Of course when it happens, we have to discipline as necessary, but sometimes all you can think is, “Son of a bitch. That is just like [insert parent’s name]!” It really makes you realize that we are all assholes.

Isn’t it the most caustic situation ever? “Hey! Don’t you dare act exactly the way I act in this situation!” Of course, being the super, well adjusted adults that we are, we have come up with things to make it okay for us to act the way we act. It is passed down from generation to generation. It’s a rite of passage! And we all have heard them and/or said them! Oh come on, you know the classics. Say them with me now…

“Do as I say, not as I do”

“Because I said so”

“Because I’m an adult”

Robert and I have added to this list to make it a little less patronizing. Our line is, “Because I pay taxes.” That way it kind of takes away from condescending aspect.

Feel free to add it to your arsenal.

*Sidenote*

Remember when we all wanted to be adults? Someone should have warned us. This shit is not what we expected and you know I’m right. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Honestly, I think it’s hilarious that we make little versions of ourselves and then get angry that they act like us at times and boy do I get angry sometimes. Being a parent can be the biggest form of self loathing at times! But, that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Our parents got upset with us, we get upset at our kids and you can bet your sweet ass that if our kids have their own “bundles of joy”, they will undoubtedly go through what we go through now.

So, remember that every time you yell at your kids for trying to sass (yes, I said sass) you the exact way you sass, you are just yelling at yourself. Just don’t actually yell at yourself, someone might try to have you committed.

Until next time, stay peculiar.

**WARNING**

I CUSS AND I TRY TO BE FUNNY! BOTH MAY OFFEND YOU.

A little about me:

I am a proud wife and mother of four and no I am not counting my husband Robert as one of the four, even though he openly admits that he can act like a child. My older three are my bonus kids (Thank you Chris Hardwick). My oldest daughter is a Type 1 diabetic and all four of them are certified little shits sometimes, but aren’t all kids? Of course, my husband and I have diagnosed them ourselves and we are not doctors… so this may or may not be an actual medical condition. I am not a “typical” mom. I have piercing and tattoos and I cuss. A lot. We are all a little… off, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Being a parent and being an adult in general, is one of the hardest thing someone can do. If you are anything like me, you are in constant fear of screwing everything up. I know I’m not alone in this boat. Actually, this boat is pretty damn full. So, why suffer alone? Why not try to find the humor in this tornado of a situation we call life?

*cue my nonexistent theme song* This is where I come in.

Hopefully, I can make you, my faithful readers, laugh with some of my crazy rants/thoughts and realize that we are all fucking it up. With that being said, let’s begin with something I do everyday, being a parent.

Parenthood.

It’s rewarding and terrifying; equal parts joy and something that may or may not have crawled out of Satan’s anus. People who have kids will totally understand. People without kids, imagine loving someone so much and occasionally wanting to throat punch them after the 961st time they’ve said “mom” after you’ve answered “what” the same amount of times only for them to scream and run off and you whisper to yourself “are you shitting me?” or having to go into their room 15 times after putting them down for bed and not have anything get accomplished... sorry, too real?

Continuing on now...

Like I said in my nifty introduction, my husband and I have four “angels”. Chris is 12, Kaylee is 10, Noey is 5 and Logan is 3. This year is a big year for all of the kids in some way. Chris is going to middle school (their elementary school goes up to 6th grade) and we are going to have more girl problems than we ever have before, and we are going to have to buy more mirrors for him to look into. Kaylee is going to the 5th grade and is going to be the oldest of our kids at their elementary school. I expect her to continue to be Miss Talkative Bossy Pants and to continue to take her diabetes head on.  Noey will be going to Kindergarten and she is so excited. This will be her first year to go to school all day and I’m not ready for it; she went for half days last year. Logan is potty training and making me very happy that we don’t have carpet in most of our house. Most days are good, but the few days that are not great make me want to say “fuck this, he can wear diapers until he can change them himself!”, but alas I do not. And lastly, Dad and I are finding new gray hairs everyday. So, a big year all around. Don’t get too jealous of our super glamourous life.

I am sure, just like every other year, we will have ups and downs (I hope for more ups). Hopefully, as our lives become increasingly more hectic, I will have plenty of stories and life advice to share with all of you.

So, until next time, stay peculiar.